101 Things That Dumbledore Wont Allow
by imaginationcelebration
Summary: Albus Dumbledore is a tolerant man with a great sense of humour; however, things at Hogwarts are getting ridiculous! With all these misbehaving, pranking, naughty students teasing the hell out of Filch, the professors insist on him making some rules. 101 is a good solid number, right?


Hey Readers, wanted to do this because it seemed like a really fun idea. I've really enjoyed writing this so enjoy reading it! Many Thanks, Your Loyal Writer...

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1. Professor Snape is a professor and is to be referred to as one. You may not call him any of the following

• Snivelkins

• The Prince of the Darkness

• Jafar

• Evil Mutant Bunny Man

• Evil McNevil

2. No student is to sing (loudly or otherwise) "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz" when on their way to my office

3. No student is permitted to send Professor McGonagall tins of cat food

4. No student is allowed to beg Mr Filch to perform magic for them. Mr Filch is a squib and believes this behaviour to be bullying!

5. Not allowed to sing, or hum, the batman theme whenever Professor Snape walks into a room or passes you in the corridor

6. Not allowed to put 'Voldy Baby' down as your parent/guardian on school forms. Sorry Potter, no form, no Hogsmead

7. Not allowed to ahh at every word Professor Flitwick says or call him cute because he is small

8. No one is to spread it around that Professor Sprout has leeks growing from her ears, that she trims each day

9. No one –especially not the Weasley twins- are allowed to chain themselves to the whomping willow in protest to make Peeves a professor

10. Not allowed to claim that Gilderoy Lockhart was your father, which is why the girls can't get enough of you

11. Not allowed to order obscene things from the trolley lady when she asks which treaties you want to buy

12. Not allowed to claim that your father bought you an entire constellation and that you've named the 8 stars within it Twinkle, Star, Millicent, Albus, Voldemort, Kissy, Cake, and Bob

13. Not allowed to bid for the remains of Arthur Weasley's flying Ford Anglia

14. Not allowed to claim to be the love child of Buckbeak and Draco Malfoy –that's impossible if you are the same age or older than Draco!

15. No student is to promise the Minister for Magic that you'll buy him a pretty pink pony. Cornelius doesn't want or need a horse, and NO pony is pink- however it would be awesome

16. Not allowed to hug Professor Snape every time you see him and claim that you're engaged to him. This is VERY disturbing

17. No one is to challenge a centaur to a dance or rap battle to get out of Divination class

18. Not to send postcards to Lucius Malfoy saying that you'll see him at 10. It's creepy!

19. Not allowed to try and make off with Hedwig! Harry is very protective of his owl, take that as a warning!

20. Not allowed to put up posters promoting elf welfare, sorry Miss Granger

21. No student is permitted to pretend to see the grim in Professor Trelawney's tea cup. I know she said it to Harry, but I spent a whole hour coaxing the professor out from inside her closet. The poor dear was scared out of her wits!

22. There is no bring-a-muggle-partner ball every term. Please stop telling the first years that it is so

23. Not allowed to drug an ancromantula so you can tie roller skates onto its feet

24. Not to bake the dementors cookies that read 'you are a meanie!'

25. No student is to write to Molly Weasley, informing her that Ginny is betrothed to Pansy Parkinson! I had to listen to 5 hours of Molly's screaming!

26. Not to draw up a pie chart of the likeliness of something awful happening to the DADA professor. It's hard enough to employ people as it is

27. No one is to give the Weasley twins a double shot espresso each at 4 am on a Monday morning. They are hyped up enough as it is!

28. No is allowed to 'eye of the tiger' or 'everybody wants to be a cat' whenever Professor McGonagall walks into a room. I thought it was cute, but she disagrees

29. Professor Snape is not hiding Gollum underneath cloak, you are not allowed to insist that it is so

30. I am not Merlin's reincarnation. I am deeply touched, but neither the less, you may not tell Xenophelius Lovegood to write in the Quibbler that I am

31. Not allowed to order Dobby to recreate the rouge bludgers so you can set it on Malfoy in the corridors

32. Clothing is NOT optional! Honestly I am worried about some students' sanity

33. Not to pass on fake instructions from me to first years. Having little Johnny Salmon his trombone at 2 am was not clever or funny

34. Not allowed to bunk off potions so you can play poker with the giant squid

35. Not allowed to bunk off potions so you can bet on greyhounds with the mermaids

36. Not allowed to bunk off potions so you can build the world's biggest card house with the thestrals

37. No student is to transfigure Professor Snape's robes into a pink leotard and tutu. Having him pirouette around the great hall was hilarious but also rather embarrassing for him

38. Hagrid is not my baby brother, please stop rumouring this. Hagrid is a dear friend who happens to share my love of extravagant beards

39. Professor McGonagall should not get together with Professor Snape. They both want students to stop asking to be their bridesmaids, best man etc.….

40. Madam Pomfrey does not give her patients fire whisky to revive them. She was horrified to hear this speculation. Though I must agree, it would indeed wake anyone from a coma!

41. The basilisk is not Ronald Weasley's best friend and neither is Moaning Myrtle so stop teasing the poor boy

42. Neville Longbottom's real name is not Nelly-The-Elephant so stop saying it is!

43. The hallway is not the perfect place to set off mass stink bombs

44. Peeves is not the Bloody Baron and Mr Filch's love child, nor is he Casper the ghost- he is a poltergeist- stop insisting he is

45. Just because she works in a Pub, does not mean that Madam Rosmerta is a drunk. Stop calling her one.

46. A giant tortoise should NOT be the replacement for the Hufflepuff's house symbol. The tortoises say that they are very angry with this statement and that they are not nearly as slow as the Hufflepuff's!

47. Lavender Brown is not to be set up on a blind date with Professor Snape. Her desperate and highly secret crush is on Ron Weasley, not a certain potions master

48. Not allowed to send Bellatrix Lestrange a birthday cake

49. Not to blow Professor Snape kisses from across the hall. At least learn to be subtle!

50. Not allowed to set up a make-some-random-kid-famous league!

51. Do not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the whomping willow

52. No to dress up as Voldemort and confront Harry to tell him 'I am your father'

53. A bludgers is not a bowling ball; Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I am not to prove otherwise

54. Not to speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent

55. Must not shout 'save trees ride professors' at the Quidditch games

56. Will not taunt the Ravenclaw's because two of Hogwarts brightest students were Gryffindor's- Lily Evans and Hermione Granger

57. Not allowed to charm the death eater masks pure white and run around singing phantom of the opera

58. Not to steal Mrs Norris from Mr Filch so he'll do whatever you say

59. Not permitted to greet Professor McGonagall with 'What's new pussy cat?'

60. Cat nip is not a suitable Christmas present for said Transfiguration teacher

61. The Weasley twins are NOT Mario and Luigi. Nor are Parvati and Padma Patil Peach and Daisy so just stop with the video game harassment

62. Draco Malfoy's animagi is not a ferret so you are not to say otherwise

63. Not to hide Professor Dumbledore's lemon drops. It's just mean!

64. Not allowed to hold Professor Flitwick's wand above my head and laugh while he jumps to reach it

65. Not to insist that Professor Dumbledore is really Gandalf! (coz I'm not… of course)

66. I am not to label all of Professor Snape's potions 'drink me'

67. Not to tell Pansy that Draco is cheating on her with Hermione

68. Not to tell Ron that Ginny and Draco are secret lovers

69. Not to spread rumours that Professors Dumbledore and Snape are 'Secret Lemonade Drinkers'

70. Not permitted to sway the sorting hat into renaming the four houses; The Boss'- Gryffindor, The Nerd's- Ravenclaw, The Dumbass'- Hufflepuff, The Murderer's – Slytherin

71. Do not insist that Dobby is Yoda in disguise

72. Must not 'permanent tattoo' the dark mark onto an arch enemies arm while they sleep

73. Not to send Colin Creevey a howler from the camera company

74. No one is to buy Professor McGonagall the cat woman costume for her birthday and tell she'll look 'fit as'

75. Bungee Jumping from the astronomy tower is not a suitable pass time

76. Not permitted to yell "BURN BABY BURN!" every time Snape WALKS PAST YOU

77. Not allowed to tell first years that the curry they're eating is tandoori owl

78. Not to pose naked for Colin Creevey

79. No one can suggest Harry takes out life insurance

80. Not to re-christen Buckbeak HorseyBirdy

81. Not allowed to tell everyone that Professor Dumbledore is Santa, sit on his lap and demand presents- especially in July!

82. Do not ask Professor McGonagall what a furball tastes like

83. Not to take pictures of the faculty in the shower and sell them to students

84. No one may call Ghostbusters to get rid of the Bloody Baron

85. Rubbing the Weasley's heads together will not make fire so don't even try! (I did, it failed)

86. Calling Professor Snape 'Mum' will end in detention

87. The thing under Seamus Finnegan's bed is a bed pan NOT a pot of gold. Stop telling first years and the Weasley twins other wise

88. Not allowed to order Dobby to do potions essays

89. Do not skip into potions singing 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves!'

90. Not permitted to submit drawings of suggested 'light marks' for the Order of the Phoenix.

91. Not to buy Professor Flitwick high heels for Christmas

92. No one is to scream 'oh the force' when being taught Accio

93. Making up a random order for the Potions methods is not something to do simply for the entertainment

94. Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius and Professor Snape are not suitable Halloween costumes, though they are pretty damn scary

95. When having your careers advice lesson, do not inform your head of house you want to be Snape's bed buddy

96. Professor Snape does not appreciate grease remover as a Christmas present

97. Professor Snape is NOT a dementor

98. I will not make up more middle names for Professor Dumbledore. I have enough already!

99. Stop telling first years that garlic will make the Slytherin's stop bullying them. It's a let-down when it doesn't work

100. Not allowed to sell T-Shirts with the slogan 'Potter-6 Voldy-0' on them

101. Sending a chain mail claiming that Professor Snape will snog them if they don't send it on is not funny the 5 hundredth time


End file.
